I lingered for a moment behind the curtains which veiled the entrance into his living room. Glancing between the voluminous folds, I saw Woo standing in the centre of the room. Something in her expression caused me to hesitate. I checked the advance of Millington and Crippen, who pressed on me behind.
“Wait!” I whispered. “I want to see what she is going to do.”
Woo looked around as if the room struck a chord in her memory. She was glancing about her with bewildered eyes, seeking for some familiar object which would serve as a clue towards the solution of the puzzle. At last something arrested her attention. It was the tell-tale stain upon the carpet. She was standing close to the spot on which I had discovered Tao lying. His body was gone, but his blood remained behind, a lurid disfigurement on the expensive fabric. She started at it and then got down on her knees and began licking at the blood.
She moved from one place to another, as if endeavouring to recall a scene in which she had taken part. It seemed to come back to her in fragments. And she was speaking to herself.
“I failed to complete the ritual to make all the criminal dead of Cripplegate come back from the next dimension and possess the ghost home investors who visited The Denizen. I had eaten a little of Tao’s flesh and had collected enough of his flesh to make the special Wiccan cannibal stew when Zhong Kui appeared.
“Who is Zhong Kui?” Crippen and Millington demanded to know.
“He’s the King of the Ghosts.” I explained. “Now shut up.”
“So Zhong Kui said to me: ‘Your communist sex magick is pretty good but it can’t beat my high occultism!’ Then we battled, trading spells and energy currents. Zhong won because as if from a deep sleep I woke in purgatory. The King of the Underworld, his queens and various flunkies were all around the coffin I woke in, speculating about whether I’d be as much of a sex kitten now I was dead as when I’d been alive.”
“She must be on drugs.” Crippen whispered.
“Shut up!” Millington and I said that in unison.
“The King demonstrated to me how he could create earthquakes in The Underworld by shaking a pillar. I then headed off to the Cool Inn to eat. There I had a confrontation with Zatoichi, The Blind Swordsman. I got the better of that Japanese fighter, so he left and returned with James Bond, Clint Eastwood and some of Dracula’s zombie skeletons. I was surprised to find himself disorientated and defeated by my foes. I was nursed back to health by Wa To and his granddaughter; they restored my powers so that I could fight successfully in the underworld.”
“She’s gone absolutely ga-ga.” Crippen muttered under his breath.
Wa To warned me: “Young lady I think you’ve been overdoing it. I cannot say I blame you. But you should just look at yourself. You’re wasting away from too much sex.” The granddaughter interjected: “Grandpa don’t be so unfair. When a girl’s a communist sex witch she’s got to have her fun! Then I went gambling but I decided to close down the casino because it was patronised by those who lost all their money in games of chance on earth and then committed suicide. I shared all the money I’d won with everyone present except the one-armed swordsman, I gave cash to his sister instead because he’d lost the money he’d borrowed from her at the casino and couldn’t be trusted to repay it.”
“This isn’t a description of the Underworld, it’s the symptoms of a mental breakdown.” Crippen interjected.
“I set up a gym to teach my new friends who included Popeye and Kwai Chang Caine dim mak, the kung fu death touch. I figured it was safe to teach anyone this deadly martial art in the underworld because they’d only be using it against those who were already dead. I wanted my friends to be able to defend themselves against the gang run by The Godfather and his enforcers including Clint Eastwood, James Bond, Emmanuelle, Dracula with his army of zombies. Later I discovered The Exorcist, who was in charge of the King’s bodyguard, was secretly a member of the gang.”
“Madness!” Crippen sighed.
“Before I was battling the blind swordsman again. I proved that dim mak is superior to the sword, so the defeated Zatoichi became an exile and had to leave for elsewhere. James Bond thought he could seduce me and then shag me to death. Just as he was about to do down on me, I spotted The Godfather, Clint Eastwood and James Bond, watching so I pushed my grinding partner aside and got up. The Godfather then made me an offer only a communist sex witch could refuse, joining his gang.
My dim mak gym was smashed up by the Godfather’s gang, so I went to the quarry where I’d previously fought the blind swordsman to take on Dracula and his army of zombies. Not only did I beat the living dead, I recovered a secret document and interrupted Emmanuelle attempting to bonk the King of the Underworld to death. I explained to the King with regard to Emmanuelle: ‘Her pussy’s in on this plot too. She was using it to murder you!’ The King dismissed the Exorcist as the captain of his bodyguard and replaced him with me.”
“Insanity!” Crippen clearly suffered from a compulsion to speak.
“I beat up James Bond after I discovered him with a suitcase full of stolen money. Then Clint Eastwood decided to challenge me, so it was back to the stone quarry for the showdown. I dodged the bullets from Clint’s pistol and killed him. The ordinary residents of the underworld started celebrating the fact I’d killed the Godfather’s three main enforcers. While everyone was distracted, The Exorcist and The Godfather set out to kill the king. The king’s only means of defence was to shake his column and cause an earthquake. The monarch saved his own skin but killed many of his subjects. So it was back to the quarry where I took out The Exorcist and The Godfather.
“You couldn’t make it up unless you were Woo Gam!” Crippen exclaimed.
“Zhong Kui could see the heavies of the Underworld couldn’t contain me, so he called up some demons and told them to kick my arse. I thought I was going to lose but then Popeye, Kwai Chang Caine and the one-armed swordsman appeared to back me up. I was free to deal with Zhong and having learned his tricks from our previous encounter, this time I beat him. The King of the Underworld had no choice but to agree to my demands. These were for me to be sent back to earth and for the king to abdicate and let the dead run the underworld with a representational system based on workers’ councils and instantly revocable delegates.”
“Stop her! Don’t let her go on!” Crippen shouted.
“I shan’t stop her. I shall let her say all that she has to say.” I replied.
“Now I understand, when I died I was on Tao’s balcony, but when I was sent back to earth and came back to life I was on Feng’s. That accounts for my sense of confusion and loss of memory. But now my act of communist witchcraft must be completed, so that the ghosts of Cripplegate’s dead possess the bodies of The Denizen’s ghost home investors, and this cursed building and it occupants are finally destroyed!”
Millington moved forward. “Woo!” she cried.
“Mary!” she exclaimed.
Gam’s sense of herself as a communist sex witch engaged in community activism against the blight of ghost homes in central London had returned. Now I wouldn’t have to wait long before she killed me in an act of high eroticism!
“Mistress I love you!” Crippen cried as he threw himself at Woo’s feet.
She dealt him a series of blows and the doctor whimpered in ecstasy.
“I want you to strip!” Woo barked at Crippen. “And then masturbate here on the floor. Make yourself come.”
The doctor did as he was told. Gam made strange incantations and gestures with her hands as he did this. The tempo of Crippen’s hand strokes increased and his body levitated up towards the ceiling. When the doctor reached orgasm his skull smashed against the roof and his neck broke as he crashed back down to the ground.
“No that’s what I call communist sexual witchcraft!” Woo cackled.
“What about the cop?” I asked.
“Oh don’t worry about him!” Gam assured me. “I gave the 20 paces touch of death. He couldn’t even walk out of this building without killing himself.”
“There’s one question I want to ask you. Was there anyone else in the room last night when you engaged in ritual murder besides you and Tao?”
“Yes, you were there.”
“Don’t you remember coming into the room?”
“No, I seem to suffer from the malady you’ve just overcome.”
“So you don’t remember the other man?”
“Chan, Tao’s half-brother?”
“You do remember!”
“I don’t! I’m guessing!”
“Well Mary and I have communist witchcraft to perform, so we’re going to take you to your apartment and tie you up there. We’re gonna leave you for hours, maybe for days.”